[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july