Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
boat question
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently