once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
This is why I hate group projects
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I am never leaving this website