I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.