I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Catering service
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’