“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
You Might Also Like
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]