Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
lmao
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed