Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.