People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I think we should hear other voices.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.