If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.