Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.