I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.