In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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