The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
How to woo a woman
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Goodnight 🐶