If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Introverted vegans go meetless
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…