What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.