no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.