I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Mmmm. Shoeshi
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second