“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*