I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
car not found
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back