ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*me flirting
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Anime is real
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.