My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry