Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.