If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
こいつ天才
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.