Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Bruh PLEASE
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Very good! 👍😂