Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Netflix: We have Less
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.