I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.