the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
im all 3
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me when I see my crush
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.