Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Awwwww shit.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie