Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Never ghost your hitman.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.