GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]