I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.