I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.