Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Try and stop me.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.