So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me