Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Nice try Hitler
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.