me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
boat question
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.