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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My dress code is business-casualty.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
where do you see yourself in five years?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”