Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words