PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
happy friday
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.