my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.