Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*