If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
When libraries troll their patrons.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?