Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
british sex workers really pound for pound
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.