Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Never let them know your next move 😂
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
brian had himself a morning…
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Merica.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus