a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?