[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
ok this is my dumbest yet
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.