Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)