Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.