Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
You Might Also Like
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
#Caturday
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me